Why use a Collaborative approach to divorce?(Part 2)

 I have been involved in over a dozen cases over the last couple of years where couples have decided to separate and avoid going to court. There seem to be many advantages to this, not least retaining control of the decision making process and coming to a point where an understanding is reached about how to co-parent post-divorce.

 

Whilst it is seldom an easy process each partner having their lawyer present with someone like me (a “Family Consultant”) to facilitate/manage dynamics & tensions

seems to enable progress where it may otherwise have stalled.

 

My involvement in this case was from the outset. Whilst both parties wanted to stay out of court there was a high level of longstanding animosity & tension & mistrust.

There were several 5 way meetings (couple, their lawyers & me) over a few months.

The potential to be drawn into their power & control dynamics was significant.

I decided to keep the discussions about co-parenting arrangements separate from those concerning assets & liabilities/finances etc. despite pressure to do both at the same time.

After much negotiation & soul searching & at times tough talking agreement was reached on finances. I met with the couple without lawyers present to facilitate an agreement about access/contact etc. Initially it was a very tense atmosphere with both sides digging in & wanting things their own way. When it became clear to them that I was there to facilitate not decide/pass judgement the game playing/positioning stopped. Without any further input from me they planned out the rest of the year’s weekends & holidays and set off together to tell their children how things were going to be. I am sure this helped the kids to feel a greater sense of security knowing how things were going to be and the parents an experience of how resolve difficulties & begin to co-parent effectively.

 

Why use a Collaborative approach to divorce?

 I have been involved in over a dozen cases over the last couple of years where couples have decided to separate and avoid going to court. There seem to be many advantages to this, not least retaining control of the decision making process and coming to a point where an understanding is reached about how to co-parent post-divorce.

 

Whilst it is seldom an easy process each partner having their lawyer present with someone like me (a “Family Consultant”) to facilitate/manage dynamics & tensions

seems to enable progress where it may otherwise have stalled.

 

The couple seemed unable to resolve their differences and both were adamant that they were standing their ground in the interests of their child. It was difficult for the lawyers to name “the elephant in the room” without alienating the other client & making a difficult situation worse.

As a non-legal neutral I was able to ask the “stupid” questions which quickly revealed intransigencies on both sides to be positional & largely self-interested. Using humour & challenge the couple reached a point where they were able to acknowledge their interests as well as those of others concerned. This was the basis for a mutually acceptable settlement. All that was left was to decide who was divorcing who. There was no clear blame either way & again it looked like an impasse. I half-jokingly said they could always toss a coin. They looked at each other & laughed & suggested “rock, paper, scissors”!

What a great outcome & basis to move forward for something that could have ended up in court & been potentially far more costly both financially & emotionally.

 

Expert

How often have you been to a doctor,taken your car to a garage,called a plumber,builder etc and had an idea at the beginning what the problem(and perhaps the solution)is.
The real "expert" is usually the one who takes the time to listen & gather information from you.
In other words they treat you like you are the expert on you & your problem.
How much of an expert is the person who has to call themselves an expert?
As Lord Sugar put it, "An entrepeneur is not something you call yourself...it is how others refer to you."

Attachment & Defence

The more attached I am to something/an idea or someone the more inclined I am to defend it from a perceived threat.
The more threats I perceive & defensive I become the more likely I am to lose the object/idea/person I was attached to.
The work then is to let go of attachment & stop defending - simple, right?!

Inadequate

I came to the conclusion a few years ago that even if I could give each of my children 500% more of everything(time,energy,attention etc) it would still not be enough.They are bottomless pits as far as these demands are concerned.That's ok- it's their job!
My job is to do the best I can & happily accept the shortfall between demand & capability/capacity so that they can accept that in me & in themselves too....good enough is good enough!

"At one"

I was talking to someone recently who described a vivid experience of feeling "at one with"/"connected to" a tree.I have often had the experience of feeling that I am "bleeding into"/"merging with" the landscape living out here.A merging of realities.
I wonder if the omni-presence of the Higgs Boson(God particle) can begin to explain the merging of/connection of one person or object into another.

It's been a while!

The world's worst blogger returns...
I bumped into an old friend Amanda Dixon last week.She is a social media diva/goddess...amongst other things!She told me how much she had enjoyed my blogs & asked me what happened.
Well in truth I (yet again) lost heart.It felt a bit like shouting into the void/talking to myself etc.
I guess the point is about keeping on keeping on regardless of response ...carry on posting.
Thanks for the nudge Amanda!