Every Good Question Is A Gift.

I came across this article written some time ago by my Supervisor of many years who is now retired.

I hope you enjoy it


"I was recently delivering a management training course and one of the exercises in the early part of the programme, consisted of the participants thinking of questions to ask me - anything as long as it wasn’t too personal. The purpose of the exercise was for them to get to know me and for them to practise their skills.



One person asked me the following question:



“What were my ambitions for the next ten years?”



In trying to answer it, I realised most of my future plans and ideas were focused on my family and my ambitions for them. I really hadn’t given my own future much thought in the recent past, although this wasn’t the case a few years ago, when I was very focused on my future goals. In fact one of the reasons the question left me with a blank, was I had achieved so many of my goals, but hadn’t set new ones. At the same time my family were considering their future and so my thinking was aligned with theirs. This was a complete revelation to me. Before I was asked the question it is not something I was aware of.



The question was a good one because it changed my thinking. The questioner, through his question caused me to consider aspects of my life to which I had not paid much attention. He also caused me to notice what I was focusing on in my life and of course, what I wasn’t focusing on i.e. ME. Needless to say, I went away and gave it a lot of thought. I was so grateful to that man for prompting me to think about those parts of my life to which I had paid insufficient attention- and of course, I thanked him for his question and told him how useful it had been to me.



And all of this was the result of just one question.



A number of people will think that the person benefiting from a question is the questioner- as they gain information about the person. This may be true to some extent, but the real beneficiary of a good question is the recipient. This is why every good question is a gift - a gift which costs nothing except some thought to formulate one which will be helpful.



Through NLP we know that asking good questions is an important skill as it allows the person receiving the question to take a different perspective on themselves and their life. It may even, as it did for me, allow the person to reflect on aspects of their life which prior to the question, was just a complete blank.



During therapy, counselling or coaching, asking good questions is exactly what the therapist, counsellor or coach should be doing; asking the sort of questions that maybe the client hasn’t asked themselves. They would do this in order to move the person’s thinking, enabling them to take a different perspective of their issue or problem. This is why during a good session the client will go away with lots of new ideas and new ways of tackling their issues, and if it has been done well, will have seemed to have been effortless on the part of the therapist or coach.



However asking good questions doesn’t just have to be for these professional situations; many of you will be parents. What questions can you think of which might cause your children to think in a different way?



So it’s good to ask questions - as long as they are good questions- ones which make the other person think in new and different ways.



Using questions to model success



We can also ask people questions to find out how they do something. Say for example, you notice someone do something which impresses you. Perhaps you see them write a letter in difficult circumstances such as after a bereavement, or perhaps you are aware they have handled a meeting or telephone call well. All you need to ask them is :-



How did you do that?



In order to answer the question, the other person has to think about exactly how they did do it. It may be that until you asked the question they hadn’t thought about it. By asking the question, you have prompted them to consider how they achieve their own success. This moves it from unconscious awareness to conscious awareness, and there will inevitably be some learning for them. And you will learn too. You will learn how they achieve success, in order that you might replicate their success in your own life.



In NLP we call this modelling. The example given is one of fairly simple modelling, but nevertheless, it can be a very valuable and useful learning method.



So, for example, next time one of your children does really well at school, you can ask them:



How did you do that?



By asking the question you will find out, but more importantly you will be helping them discover how they achieve their own successes - with the hope that once they have discovered this for themselves they will model themselves and repeat that successful strategy every time. Without knowing what makes for success of us, it becomes a hit and miss affair; sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don’t. Once we know our own successful strategies we can repeat them, knowing they will work for us.



So in conclusion, you have seen that by asking a seemingly simple question you not only give yourself some information but also help the other person to think in new and different ways - and just maybe, you might be helping them make some very positive changes to their life. In my case not only did it encourage me to think up some new goals for my life, but it also gave me the idea for this article. Truly a gift indeed!



So, how could you use the ideas you’ve read about in this article?"



Susan Gill NLPt Psychotherapist. Retired UKCP Registered.