Why use a Collaborative approach to divorce?(Part 2)

 I have been involved in over a dozen cases over the last couple of years where couples have decided to separate and avoid going to court. There seem to be many advantages to this, not least retaining control of the decision making process and coming to a point where an understanding is reached about how to co-parent post-divorce.

 

Whilst it is seldom an easy process each partner having their lawyer present with someone like me (a “Family Consultant”) to facilitate/manage dynamics & tensions

seems to enable progress where it may otherwise have stalled.

 

My involvement in this case was from the outset. Whilst both parties wanted to stay out of court there was a high level of longstanding animosity & tension & mistrust.

There were several 5 way meetings (couple, their lawyers & me) over a few months.

The potential to be drawn into their power & control dynamics was significant.

I decided to keep the discussions about co-parenting arrangements separate from those concerning assets & liabilities/finances etc. despite pressure to do both at the same time.

After much negotiation & soul searching & at times tough talking agreement was reached on finances. I met with the couple without lawyers present to facilitate an agreement about access/contact etc. Initially it was a very tense atmosphere with both sides digging in & wanting things their own way. When it became clear to them that I was there to facilitate not decide/pass judgement the game playing/positioning stopped. Without any further input from me they planned out the rest of the year’s weekends & holidays and set off together to tell their children how things were going to be. I am sure this helped the kids to feel a greater sense of security knowing how things were going to be and the parents an experience of how resolve difficulties & begin to co-parent effectively.

 

Why use a Collaborative approach to divorce?

 I have been involved in over a dozen cases over the last couple of years where couples have decided to separate and avoid going to court. There seem to be many advantages to this, not least retaining control of the decision making process and coming to a point where an understanding is reached about how to co-parent post-divorce.

 

Whilst it is seldom an easy process each partner having their lawyer present with someone like me (a “Family Consultant”) to facilitate/manage dynamics & tensions

seems to enable progress where it may otherwise have stalled.

 

The couple seemed unable to resolve their differences and both were adamant that they were standing their ground in the interests of their child. It was difficult for the lawyers to name “the elephant in the room” without alienating the other client & making a difficult situation worse.

As a non-legal neutral I was able to ask the “stupid” questions which quickly revealed intransigencies on both sides to be positional & largely self-interested. Using humour & challenge the couple reached a point where they were able to acknowledge their interests as well as those of others concerned. This was the basis for a mutually acceptable settlement. All that was left was to decide who was divorcing who. There was no clear blame either way & again it looked like an impasse. I half-jokingly said they could always toss a coin. They looked at each other & laughed & suggested “rock, paper, scissors”!

What a great outcome & basis to move forward for something that could have ended up in court & been potentially far more costly both financially & emotionally.

 

Expert

How often have you been to a doctor,taken your car to a garage,called a plumber,builder etc and had an idea at the beginning what the problem(and perhaps the solution)is.
The real "expert" is usually the one who takes the time to listen & gather information from you.
In other words they treat you like you are the expert on you & your problem.
How much of an expert is the person who has to call themselves an expert?
As Lord Sugar put it, "An entrepeneur is not something you call yourself...it is how others refer to you."

Attachment & Defence

The more attached I am to something/an idea or someone the more inclined I am to defend it from a perceived threat.
The more threats I perceive & defensive I become the more likely I am to lose the object/idea/person I was attached to.
The work then is to let go of attachment & stop defending - simple, right?!

Inadequate

I came to the conclusion a few years ago that even if I could give each of my children 500% more of everything(time,energy,attention etc) it would still not be enough.They are bottomless pits as far as these demands are concerned.That's ok- it's their job!
My job is to do the best I can & happily accept the shortfall between demand & capability/capacity so that they can accept that in me & in themselves too....good enough is good enough!

"At one"

I was talking to someone recently who described a vivid experience of feeling "at one with"/"connected to" a tree.I have often had the experience of feeling that I am "bleeding into"/"merging with" the landscape living out here.A merging of realities.
I wonder if the omni-presence of the Higgs Boson(God particle) can begin to explain the merging of/connection of one person or object into another.

It's been a while!

The world's worst blogger returns...
I bumped into an old friend Amanda Dixon last week.She is a social media diva/goddess...amongst other things!She told me how much she had enjoyed my blogs & asked me what happened.
Well in truth I (yet again) lost heart.It felt a bit like shouting into the void/talking to myself etc.
I guess the point is about keeping on keeping on regardless of response ...carry on posting.
Thanks for the nudge Amanda!

Making "it" happen & wanting "it" now

First of all you had better define "it"...perhaps that is easy?
Then take action.
So many people gain the illusion of success that way.
I suggest there is more to "it" than that.
What if before acting & demanding more of us asked ourselves
things like, "it" according to who,when according to who...you?
Where is the humility in that?

What if another version of "it" is unfolding under you nose already
and you are missing it?!

Yield

How many times a day do you resist,argue,push back,stay fixed,hold your position,become defensive,get angry,curse another driver,push,talk back etc?
What might happen if you gave way and focused your energy differently?

Anxiety & The News

About 2 years ago I noticed that a lot of clients presenting with anxiety listen to the news a LOT (TV,radio,phone updates etc).
Much of the news seems to be based on what might happen. Something like:This small thing has happened.That means that this might happen,if that happens then this might happen & if that happens we're really screwed!
As people weaned themselves off so much media exposure their anxiety began to drop(there was some therapy too!!) and their wellbeing increased.
Stay informed by all means and also take the time to look around you at what is actually happening in your situation right now,are you ok?
"Whenever you meet a problem, help if it is in your power to do so.After you have acted,withdraw and be unconcerned about it.Walk on without ever mentioning it to anybody.Then there is no worry,because there has been no action."

The Difference between Intent and Impact

 Imagine for a moment that I have just said something which has hurt your feelings. You tell me I have hurt you. I am shocked; I was aware of no desire to hurt you. I just wanted to make sure you understood my position, so I said it forcefully. Now if we are not careful we could get into an argument about who is right. I could maintain that I am totally innocent and you are much too sensitive for your own good. You could maintain that you were not born yesterday and you know when someone is hurting you.

The intent/impact model says that there is nothing to argue about: we are both right.

I am the world’s leading expert on my intent. The only way you can know what my

intent was is if I tell you. There is no way to argue against it. I am the authority.

Similarly you are the world’s leading expert on the impact my statement had on you.

The only way I can know what impact I had is for you to tell me. There is nothing to

argue about. You are the authority. We have each learned something about the other

and about ourselves.

Impact can be very different from our intent. I do not always appear to others the

way I do to myself. Only I can know my intent, and you will never know it if I don’t

tell you. But only you can know the impact I have, and I will never know it if you

don’t tell me.

Skating

I took a group of teenagers skating.Some had been before & others had not.
What became quickly apparent was that you can't learn to skate by hanging onto the side.
In order to learn you have to take a chance,be prepared to fall over & even get hurt a bit.
Like so much in life it's more about letting go of our fear,having a go & getting up and starting again
if we fall...oh & having some fun & laughter too!

Interview

I was interviewed yeterday about some aspects of my Psychotherapy practice.
Hope you enjoy it...complete with my Movember beard!

Interview

Anyone ever feel like this?

If you put some fleas in a jar and close the lid, the fleas will begin

to jump, of course with the lid on they will only hit their tiny heads

and never be able to escape. After about 20 minutes they learn

that they are trapped and they change the height of their jumps

so that they will stop hitting their heads. 

Give them a little bit longer and they will grow accustomed that

they will never escape and once this happens you can safely

remove the lid and the fleas will continue jumping at the same

medium height, eternally trapped in the jar. 

You see they firmly believe that they will never be able to escape

and that's why they stop trying, of course after spending 20 minutes

jumping straight up hitting your head, with no way of escaping, who

wouldn't... The problem is that they get so used to the idea of being

trapped that they never even bother to lift their heads again to see

if the lid has come off...

Having a mentor or guide is a great way to help you keep lifting

your head to see if there is an opening in the jar, you never know

my friend, because just like in the case of the fleas, anything could

happen in 20 minutes. 

Never doubt yourself and what you can achieve, put your mind to

it, keep pushing and I promise you that an opening will come.

Exhaustion,Fatigue & Renewal

If you're wondering if you can keep going you're probably doing too much.
If you're wondering when to push yourself a bit harder you're probably not doing enough.
It's the fine line that Bradley Wiggins pedals so well.
Unless we create enough time for renewal & reflection it's easy to confuse the two.

Mandala

I recently watched 8 Tibetan monks take 3 days to lovingly create a mandala of coloured sand.It was exquisite in its' intricate detail. At the end they destroyed it and ceremonially put it into The River Thames for the good of all beings(much to the surprise of the nearby fishermen!)
Such a rich metaphor for the energy and attention we put into creating our elaborate lives and their ultimate impermanence.

Higgs boson

This elusive particle is apparently the building block for all matter.It's been around since the big bang,the essence of the cosmos etc. If you follow that logic then we are all connected to all things and to each other.Same particles just clumped together differently & vibrating at different levels.
I am no scientist but that's how it seems to me.
What does that tell you about our relationship to all things animate & inanimate?
What does that tell you about your perception of separateness from & connection to each other?

Going with the flow

Sometimes the river meanders gently and smoothly on a summers' afternoon.
Sometimes it's a raging torrent flowing over rapids on a dark & stormy night.
It feels easier to let go of the sides & go with the flow when the going is easy.
It requires skill, patience and detemination to do so on a dark night.
Perhaps that's when we need to do it all the more and have faith & trust.

Which path to take?

I went for a walk with a friend and we had a choice of paths to take. It reminded me of the Robert Frost poem:

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Which option do you habitually take?

Bridge

I am standing on a bridge over a river.
Looking upstream it's all rushing towards me.
Looking dowanstream it's all flowing away.
I have a choice about which way I face and the
experience of each is totally different.

It's a similar choice between dwelling on the past or
being anxious about the future.

There is another alternative. Focus on the bridge.
It is solid and real NOW.
It both spans & connects the other two.