Asseriveness tips

A lot of us swing between passive & aggressive behaviour. Keeping the middle ground of assertive behaviour can seem daunting. Most of us equally know that the key to getting our point across without compromising ourselves or others is to behave assertively.

The rules which follow are general and comprehensive. You will not need to follow them all in every situation, nor will they have the same order of importance in all cases. They are therefore given in no significant order.



1. Be clear about what you want

If you don’t know what you want, you will find it difficult to communicate your wishes and needs to others.

2. Choose your time and place

Choose the most appropriate place to communicate and time when the other person can listen. If necessary, delay the discussion (even if only for a few seconds) until you can give the matter your full attention. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you need time to make a decision or to gather more information. You should, however, agree to make a decision by a certain date and stick to it.

3. Repeat what the other person says or requests before you respond

This shows that you understand the message and helps you to check that you have understood correctly. It does not mean you have to agree.

4. Take responsibility for what you say

Use ‘I’, ‘Me’ and ‘My’, rather than ‘She/he says’ or ‘Everyone says’.

5. Make a clear statement
Doing this can be more difficult than it seems, especially if you are under stress. It may help to rehearse your statement. Don’t allow yourself to become upset or to lose track of what you want to say.

6. Be specific

Go straight to the point and identify clearly and directly what you want or what you want to convey.

7. Express what you feel

It sometimes helps to say that you feel anxious, happy or angry when making a statement, request or a response. But say it only once and then return to the point.

8. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings

This demonstrates that you understand the situation and empathise with the other person.

9. Be prepared to ask for more details

Asking someone to give more details or to give an example of what he/she means can help to avoid unnecessary conflict.

10. Do not be side-tracked

If the person you are talking to tries to side track you, listen to what is said and then repeat your own point. Do this again if necessary. This technique is known as the ‘broken record’.

11. Give reasons, not excuses
It is better to give reasons rather than excuses for what you want to do or don’t want to do.

12. Be prepared to compromise

Think about your ‘fallback position’ before you start to communicate. When you have expressed your feelings, be prepared to agree an outcome which everyone can accept.

13. Don’t apologise unless there is a good reason to do so

Don’t say ‘sorry’ merely because the other person is unlikely to be pleased, for unnecessary apologies compromise your position. Apologise only when you have said or done something you genuinely regret.